“Love yourself before you can love others.” A very popular saying, but it does not come easily to everyone. Developing a deep appreciation and love for who you are at your core is also going to take a little more than a few daily affirmations in the mirror.
Understanding self-love
Not having love for yourself prevents you from being able to advocate for yourself and what you need. Having no self-love makes you believe that you are not worthy of having needs, so how can you advocate for your needs when you feel you do not deserve them?
Identify and embrace your strengths
Let go of that critic. Find something, no matter how small, that you thrive in and build your confidence around that. Embrace and use that trait, talent, or strength instead of dwelling on your shortcomings. If you are not sure how to find a positive quality, ask a friend or loved one what they most admire about you and go from there.
Treat yourself with kindness
No matter the place or time, avoid saying negative things about yourself, even if it is something like your bedhead that would not style that morning. Made a mistake? Do not say negative things to yourself. Replace something like “I am not smart enough to do this” with “I have the ability and will to learn how to do this.” Small, kind gestures toward yourself in daily circumstances will have a lasting impact on your self-worth.
Stop comparisons
When we compare ourselves to others, we do not compare the negatives of both people. We take something positive from someone else and compare it to a negative from ourselves. By all means, praise their talents, but do not see them as a shortcoming of yourself.
Set boundaries
Having personal boundaries will ensure that you do not settle for how others, including yourself, treat you and your needs. These boundaries will have you thinking about the things you have to do, should do, and want to do, thus prioritizing your needs.
Gratitude and small accomplishments
Practice gratitude for everything, even the negative. You were not included in the office party? Instead of speaking poorly about yourself and assuming that your coworkers do not like you, see it as an opportunity to treat yourself at home with some self-care. In the morning, you will be refreshed for work while your coworkers may be exhausted. At the same time, you would have accomplished both self-care and a productive workday.
Be your own best friend
That friend you can always count on for support and affirmations—be that person to yourself. Hype yourself up and give compliments to yourself as you would to a friend. When you find yourself facing a setback, go back to the smallest positive and build that up. Just as it takes time to fall in love with someone else, it will take time to truly love yourself.
Sources
- Neff, K. & Beretvas, T. – “The Role of Self-Compassion in Romantic Relationships” (2012, PDF on self-compassion.org)
- Greater Good Magazine – “Do We Need to Love Ourselves Before We Love Others?” (Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley)
- Ness Labs – “The science of self-love: the evidence-based benefits”
- Grand Rising Behavioral Health – “The Impact of Social Comparison on Mental Health”
- My Best Self 101 – “Self-Compassion: The Power of Treating Yourself With Kindness”
- Psychology Today – “A Guide to Healthy Boundaries”